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Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen.
www.addic7ed.com
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Jessie will be back from
her TV audition soon.
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When she does not get the part,
we must be ready to cheer her up.
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I just hope Jessie wrote
to Santa about this part,
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because she needs all the help she can get.
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Zuri, I know Santa magically delivers
presents to every child on the planet,
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but some miracles even he
can't pull off. (Elevator dings)
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(Shrieks)
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Guess who just booked
a part on Aloha Crime?
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Ooh, was it that new girl
who lives down the hall?
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No, it's the old girl
who lives here with you!
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Not that I'm old.
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Tell your laugh lines.
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Those are worry lines, and
guess who gave them to me?
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Anyway, I got the role, and the
best part is, it shoots in Hawaii.
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I'm leaving tomorrow!
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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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We are not the kind of people who make
it all about us, but what about us?
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Well, I talked to your parents, and
convinced them that we should all spend
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Christmas in Hawaii together!
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Yes. Whoa.
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So much for Bertram having our
Hawaiian villa all to himself.
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We just got our first "glad you
are not here" postcard from him.
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So not only do we get to
spend Christmas in Hawaii,
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but we get to crash Bertram's
vacation and make him miserable? Yup.
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The look of anguish on his face
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will be the only Christmas
present I need this year.
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But don't tell your parents I said that.
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Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, oh
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hey Jessie, hey Jessie
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it feels like a party every day
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hey Jessie, hey Jessie
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but they keep on
pulling me every which way
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hey Jessie, hey Jessie
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my whole world is
changing turning around
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they got me going crazy
yeah, they're shaking the ground
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but they took a chance
on the new girl in town
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and I don't want to
let them down, down, down
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hey Jessie
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hey Jessie
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it feels like a party every day
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hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Jessie
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I hope Bertram will be happy to see us.
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I just hope he's wearing pants.
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This place is awesome!
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The pool is huge!
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Jessie, that's the ocean.
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Oh, that explains the whale.
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Jessie?
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Shaylee?
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I can't believe it's you!
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Shaylee Michaels broke into our villa!
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I don't know whether to
call the cops or ask her out.
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Wow. Things must have really gone
downhill for her since Mayan mayhem.
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Let's give her a few bucks.
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Oh! And you brought the sprogs with you!
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But what are you doing in my villa?
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Last time I looked, this was our villa,
and we're here for Christmas vacation.
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Oh, my gosh, are you my present?
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Thank you, Santa!
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I owe you a plate full of cookies!
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He hasn't changed.
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I think he's actually gotten worse.
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And stronger. (Straining)
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So, I'm confused. What are you doing here?
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I rented this villa on a vacation website
called winkle, winkle, little star.
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Yeah. It even comes with a Butler.
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Mademoiselle Michaels.
Your holiday crudites.
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(Gasping)
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Aloha, Bertram.
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(Wailing)
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So I'm not quite sure
what's going on here...
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Well, Bertram wasn't
expecting us, so obviously
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he rented the villa out to
make a little extra cash.
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That's horrible!
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Why didn't I think of it?
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So, you guys are here on vacation?
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Actually, it's a working vacation.
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Because I'm working. As an
actor. I'm a working actor!
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Yeah, got a little show
called Aloha Crime.
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That's awesome! So, how are
you preparing for the role?
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Interviewing local authorities?
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Studying the island and its customs?
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Actually, I just learned my
lines and ate a pound of poi.
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That explains that smell on the plane.
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Well, no luck landing a place to stay.
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The whole island is
booked up for the holidays.
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Bertram, I can't believe you rented
out Morgan and Christina's villa.
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You are gonna give Shaylee
back her money right now.
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(Inhales sharply) I'd love to,
but I spent it all on essentials.
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You know, food, clothes...
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A dune buggy.
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- You know what? It's okay.
- Yeah, I can just camp out.
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Remember, I grew up in the outback.
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As a baby, I used a scorpion as a pacifier.
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See, all fixed! (Chuckles awkwardly)
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No. I'll go make lunch.
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- Why don't you stay with us?
- Really?
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Oh. Thanks, Jessie.
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I can't wait to stay up
all night with Shaylee!
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Me, too! We need a third for go fish.
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You just don't get it.
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(Laughs) Shaylee, you can bunk with me.
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Oh, yay! Another sleep over!
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I'm gonna put your bra in hot water,
and your hand in the freezer!
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Okay, we need to review
sleepover shenanigans.
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Okay, Shaylee, honest opinion,
who wears this better? Huh?
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Frankly, you both look ridiculous.
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I told you the antlers were too much.
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What the hula?
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This is Parker and Joey Rooney.
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Their family is visiting from Wisconsin
and renting the villa next door.
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They've been coming over... a lot.
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We try to walk that fine
line between fan and stalker.
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Like right now, I'm fighting the
urge to take your used tissue
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out of that trash can.
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Oh... keep fighting it.
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Shaylee, let's go tell Bertram
he has two more kids to feed.
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If you can't get your money back,
you might as well see him cry.
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Ooh. Hello.
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I'm Joey. And you are one
tall drink of tropical punch.
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I'm Emma, and I feel really
bad for those coconuts.
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Hey, buddy, can you tell
me if she's single?
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Yes, she is. Good luck with that.
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Why is he staring at me like that?
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Well, they eat a lot
of cheese in Wisconsin.
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Maybe he's just backed up.
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Well, then I'm going to
leave before he blows.
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Dude, stop it. You're
embarrassing yourself.
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(Scoffs) No, I'm not. I am wooing her.
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This is how you woo.
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He isn't too bright.
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Yes, we have one of
those in the Luke model.
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So, who wants to check out the island?
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Ugh. Count me out.
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I'm not sure my fair Wisconsin complexion
can handle that harsh Hawaiian sun.
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I'm heading out for a swim.
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Anyone want to come with? Race ya!
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Hey, Shaylee, after lunch, do
you want to come see where
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I'm shooting my scene tomorrow?
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It's actually right here at the resort.
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Yeah, sure!
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Oh, uh, do not be afraid, Shaylee.
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Just think of Mrs. Kipling as a doggie,
with killer claws, razor-sharp fangs
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and poisonous saliva.
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Actually, maybe you should be afraid.
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Nah. Wild animals don't
scare me, I scare them.
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(Shaylee hisses)
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(Mrs. Kipling farts)
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(All groaning)
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Oh, you really did scare her.
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Bertram! Can you bring some paper towels?
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And a Hazmat suit?
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See? I told you Mrs.
Kipling ate my homework!
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I hope you're not
expecting me to check that.
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So, this is where you
shoot your first scene?
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Yep. I play a mainland FBI agent
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helping the local cops with
a homicide at this luau.
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It's a hula-dunnit!
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Hula! Get it?
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Got it.
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If you guys are here for a luau, you'll
have to come back Christmas Eve.
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They're shooting some silly TV show.
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(Chuckles) Aloha crime is not silly.
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Surfer's digest gave it two boards up!
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(Both greet in Hawaiian)
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My name is keahi.
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Oh, that means "fire" in Hawaiian.
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My name is Ravi, which
means "sun" in hindi.
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So, I guess you could
say we are both hot stuff.
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Wow, I found someone who
is willing to talk to me!
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This is turning out to
be the best vacation ever!
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Wow, you set the fun bar really low.
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I like that in a guest.
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Can I interest you in
one of our nature walks?
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I talk about the history of the
island, then I juggle jellyfish.
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Tipping is allowed.
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You mean right now?
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'Tis the season.
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I am not sure what is appropriate...
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That'll do. You can give me the rest later.
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So, here is a legend of our local volcano.
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When angered, it erupts!
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Much like our resort guests when
they find out about the parking fee.
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Actually, volcanic eruptions are
caused by the buoyancy of magma.
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And your local volcano is dormant. Boom!
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Dropped that knowledge
like it was hot lava.
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So you already know a lot about our island.
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I'm not giving the tip back.
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00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:07,172
But every year we pick one
very enthusiastic resort guest
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to be the narrator for
our Christmas Eve luau.
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Oh. That sounds wonderful.
I hope you find somebody.
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Oh, did you mean me?
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Sorry, I have never been
picked for anything before.
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Yeah, I kind of got that vibe.
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Oh...
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00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,363
Ooh, what have we here? Huh.
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00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,567
A coupon for back hair removal?
199
00:10:35,569 --> 00:10:37,869
Maybe I'll be hitting
the hot tub after all.
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00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,204
(Laughs)
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00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:40,538
(Children laughing)
202
00:10:41,841 --> 00:10:43,241
What's so funny?
203
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,810
Oh. Just a prank we pulled on you.
204
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:49,914
What's so funny about a piece of
fishing line attached to a coupon?
205
00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:53,084
Well, the coupon is
covered in stay stuck glue,
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00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,487
and that fishing line
is tied to that jet ski.
207
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:56,821
(Jets ski starting up)
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00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,957
(Screaming)
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00:10:58,959 --> 00:10:59,858
(Water splashing)
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00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,660
(Zuri laughing)
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00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:04,162
I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.
212
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,331
That's based on the misery of others.
213
00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:10,902
You two are like a couple of menehune.
214
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:13,004
A mene-who-now?
215
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:16,274
Menehune. They are Hawaiian
pranking elves who live in the forest.
216
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:19,544
Are they the ones who tricked
you into buying that outfit?
217
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:24,582
I am just lucky I found
all of this in my size.
218
00:11:26,485 --> 00:11:28,319
You know what's not lucky?
219
00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:29,454
My eyeballs.
220
00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:35,527
Just for that, if it rains, I will
not make room for you under my hat.
221
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:40,865
I can't believe I'm saying this,
222
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:44,235
but your brother might be even
more embarrassing than mine.
223
00:11:46,005 --> 00:11:47,025
It's not just Ravi.
224
00:11:47,056 --> 00:11:50,408
These tourists will open up
their wallets for anything.
225
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:52,510
Hey, I just had a great idea!
226
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:54,946
Let's throw some sand in a
jar, slap a price tag on it
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00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:56,381
and see if these suckers bite.
228
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:06,624
The joke's on you. I
got the coupon after all.
229
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:12,097
The joke's on you. The
coupon expired last week.
230
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:13,565
What?
231
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,567
(Sobbing)
232
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:23,241
Ha! I wiped the floor with you, Luke,
233
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:26,444
and I learned how to play
basketball from my sister, Maddie.
234
00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:29,647
That explains the sports bra.
235
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:36,321
The only baskets you made were when
I went to get a drink of water.
236
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,957
And you did not call the time out!
237
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:42,594
That last shot. Whoo...
Was nothin' but net.
238
00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:46,431
Yeah, nothing but net.
239
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,533
Right after it bounced off a palm tree,
240
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:51,169
a lifeguard's head, and
a very surprised seagull.
241
00:12:52,204 --> 00:12:53,972
It still counts.
242
00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:03,081
Wow, Bertram, that's a big meatball.
243
00:13:04,183 --> 00:13:05,550
It's a basketball!
244
00:13:07,052 --> 00:13:08,953
Why would you cook a basketball?
245
00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:12,724
I despise you, Luke.
246
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,528
You too, weird kid who keeps coming over.
247
00:13:23,035 --> 00:13:24,569
Hmm, not bad.
248
00:13:26,238 --> 00:13:27,739
You're still gonna eat that?
249
00:13:27,741 --> 00:13:29,040
Of course I'm gonna eat it!
250
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,579
Hey, Joey. How's your sunburn doing?
251
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:37,448
Great! My blisters are
starting to fill with pus!
252
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,584
Wanna see me pop one?
My record is two feet.
253
00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:43,288
You must be so proud.
254
00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:46,724
(Laughing)
255
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:49,527
I'm sure Emma appreciated the pus report.
256
00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:50,594
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
257
00:13:50,625 --> 00:13:53,698
She probably thinks I'm a
brain-dead zombie goofball.
258
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,633
That's not true.
259
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,268
She knows you're not a zombie.
260
00:13:59,071 --> 00:14:03,308
Hey, man, maybe I can give you some
pointers on how to impress Emma.
261
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:07,679
Thanks, buddy. I just hope they're better
than your three-pointers! Boo-yah!
262
00:14:09,114 --> 00:14:11,683
I'm gonna go get a pen!
263
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:14,085
Are you really going to
help him date your sister?
264
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:16,054
Yeah, I'm gonna help him...
265
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,622
Embarrass himself.
266
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:20,358
That'll teach him to shoot his
mouth off about his bogus win.
267
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:24,028
You're not going to try and stop me, right?
268
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,798
As long as I don't have to clean
anything up, knock yourself out.
269
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:41,279
Jessie, I'm guessing you're feeling
nervous about your shoot tomorrow.
270
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:43,081
What makes you say that?
271
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:47,151
I remember you telling me that
doing origami helps calm you down.
272
00:14:52,091 --> 00:14:54,058
Yeah. Sorry about that.
273
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:56,594
I guess I went a little overboard.
274
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:58,877
I think our plane tickets home
are somewhere in this mess.
275
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:04,535
You know, Jessie, I was really nervous
before my first acting job, too.
276
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:06,771
Really? What did you do to get over it?
277
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,439
Well, actually, I was three.
278
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,708
So I felt a lot better
after I made boom-boom.
279
00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:16,114
I'll think I'll stick with the swans.
280
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,349
You know, Jessie, if you need help tomorrow
281
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:21,719
running lines, or if you just want me
there to cheer you on, let me know.
282
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:24,722
Really? Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
283
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,824
Supportive hug!
284
00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:35,600
(Clears throat) Okay,
I'm not great at math,
285
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,136
but there seems to be an extra
set of arms in this hug.
286
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,810
Hey, you can never have enough support.
287
00:15:46,845 --> 00:15:49,547
Get out, before I fold you into a swan.
288
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:52,216
Whoa, somebody needs to make boom-boom.
289
00:15:52,218 --> 00:15:53,751
(Laughing)
290
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:54,619
(Clearing throat)
291
00:15:58,357 --> 00:16:01,960
Get your Christmas sandy canes here!
292
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:04,462
And try our ocean breeze in a bottle.
293
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,230
Makes a great holiday gift!
294
00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:10,902
You expect people to buy this junk?
295
00:16:10,904 --> 00:16:13,504
These are just empty ketchup bottles.
296
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,873
And you didn't even bother
to wash out all the ketchup!
297
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:21,145
Thank you, sir, enjoy! No refunds.
298
00:16:22,548 --> 00:16:24,382
Oh. I want in.
299
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:28,619
I have to pay Shaylee back, plus I
have to buy that guy a new jet ski.
300
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:33,658
Okay. We'll let you in if you can
find some way to sell these.
301
00:16:36,328 --> 00:16:39,530
This is the fourth year in a row
you've given me coal for Christmas!
302
00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:41,520
It's not coal.
303
00:16:41,551 --> 00:16:44,402
These are rocks we found near the volcano.
304
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:46,904
We just haven't figured out
a way to market them yet.
305
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:48,406
I know!
306
00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:50,608
I can make a whole boy band line.
307
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,910
I'll just slap pretty
boy faces on these things,
308
00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:56,347
and sell them as new rocks
on the block! (Laughs)
309
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:57,815
That's dumb.
310
00:16:59,418 --> 00:17:02,387
Makes more sense than bottles full of air.
311
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:03,888
The man has a point.
312
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:07,191
Plus, I cannot suck down
one more bottle of ketchup.
313
00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:15,366
Oh! Bertram, I told Joey Emma loves bugs.
314
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,535
Watch this train wreck.
315
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:19,057
It'll put you in the Christmas spirit.
316
00:17:20,472 --> 00:17:22,473
I don't have time for childish games.
317
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:25,543
Now tell me, did I get the hair
right on Justin timberslate?
318
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:29,614
Just when I thought you
couldn't get any weirder.
319
00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:35,853
(Exhales)
320
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:41,426
Wow. Emma. You do not have
any hair on your toes at all!
321
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,829
Right. Because I'm not from the shire.
322
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:50,268
You know, that pedicure reminded
me that the American cockroach
323
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,336
sometimes feeds on human toenails.
324
00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:54,238
What?
325
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,740
(Luke snickering)
326
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,942
The cockroach has also been known to feed
327
00:17:57,944 --> 00:18:01,679
on eyebrows, eyelashes
and (clears throat)
328
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:03,047
The hair of sleeping children.
329
00:18:05,851 --> 00:18:07,652
I think I'm going to be sick.
330
00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:09,854
Oh. Really? Well, while
you're in the bathroom,
331
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:12,590
take time to think about
the amazing housefly,
332
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:17,295
which defecates every 4.5 minutes.
333
00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:18,563
(Imitates explosion)
334
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:19,897
(Laughing)
335
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:21,899
What is wrong with you?
336
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:23,968
You're, like, the
high-waisted jeans of people!
337
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,974
Luke, you told me she loved bugs!
338
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,642
No, I didn't.
339
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:32,777
You must have misheard me.
340
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:36,481
I said Emma loves, uh...
341
00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:39,784
Pigs.
342
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:42,587
Pigs?
343
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:43,821
Oh, yeah.
344
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,823
Yeah, the dirtier the animal, the better.
345
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:48,693
If it rolls in its own
filth, it's up Emma's alley.
346
00:18:49,995 --> 00:18:51,762
Pigs!
347
00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,998
That makes so much more sense!
348
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,901
Thanks, Luke. You're awesome!
349
00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:58,970
You need to find a better use of your time.
350
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:01,439
Says the guy gluing a goatee onto a rock.
351
00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:09,480
I can't believe I'm about to be
on network TV for the first time!
352
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:12,950
If you don't count being on the
news for falling down that manhole.
353
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:16,320
The guest star began to prepare
for her television debut,
354
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,589
seemingly unfazed by past failures.
355
00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:20,829
(Clears throat)
356
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,861
Uh, Ravi, why... why are
you talking like that?
357
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:26,831
I am going to be the narrator
for the Christmas Eve luau,
358
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:30,902
so I am practicing narrating.
359
00:19:30,904 --> 00:19:34,939
Well, be a little more narrator,
and a little less nar-hater.
360
00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:37,842
And the narrator's leaving
after being rudely admonished.
361
00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:43,981
Hi! You must be playing
our FBI agent vickers.
362
00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:46,884
I'm Kevin randolf, director/producer.
363
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:50,988
Oh! I'm Jessie Prescott, actress/singer.
364
00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:52,757
I'm so sorry I'm late!
365
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,525
I was wrestling with Mrs. Kipling.
366
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:55,793
She's a biter.
367
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,795
Luckily, so am I. (Cracks)
368
00:19:59,544 --> 00:20:00,865
Shaylee, I'm so glad you made it.
369
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,100
Wait. Shaylee Michaels?
370
00:20:04,736 --> 00:20:08,906
Kevin randolf. Producer/huge fan. Oh...
371
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:11,943
I loved you in teen beach zombie hunters!
372
00:20:11,945 --> 00:20:14,912
Right? When that guy broke her
heart and then she ate his?
373
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:15,980
Both: Loved it.
374
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,115
What are you doing here?
375
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:21,786
Oh, I'm here to support my friend,
who is guest starring on your show.
376
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:22,853
We have a guest star?
377
00:20:23,689 --> 00:20:25,590
Hello? Me!
378
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:27,959
Shaylee, you have got to be in this scene.
379
00:20:27,961 --> 00:20:30,161
Just having you on screen
would add tons of viewers!
380
00:20:30,163 --> 00:20:33,097
We're a little light
on talent this episode.
381
00:20:34,833 --> 00:20:36,534
Again, standing right here.
382
00:20:38,003 --> 00:20:41,038
That's very flattering, but I'm
just here to support Jessie.
383
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:46,644
Oh, well, I'm sure Jessie wouldn't
mind if agent vickers had a partner.
384
00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:47,878
Would you?
385
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:49,447
No. Of course not!
386
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:51,082
No. I would love for
Shaylee to be in my scene!
387
00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:53,417
No. I don't know... it's your big day.
388
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:56,787
I insist. My first scene
with my most famous friend!
389
00:20:57,623 --> 00:20:59,056
All righty then!
390
00:20:59,058 --> 00:21:00,124
This is going to be fun!
391
00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:01,107
It will!
392
00:21:01,138 --> 00:21:05,029
Not giant lizard wrestling fun, but fun!
393
00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:07,498
Then it's settled! Shaylee,
let's go get you a gold star
394
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:09,600
for your dressing room door
and a giant fruit basket
395
00:21:11,803 --> 00:21:13,070
I like fruit, too.
396
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,907
A fruitless Jessie watched them leave,
397
00:21:16,909 --> 00:21:19,710
as a brighter star emerged on the horizon.
398
00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:21,045
Duh-duh...
399
00:21:21,047 --> 00:21:22,213
Don't you dare finish
400
00:21:22,215 --> 00:21:23,881
that ominous musical sting!
401
00:21:24,983 --> 00:21:26,951
Duh!
402
00:21:31,456 --> 00:21:34,458
Stop! You're turning
this place into a pig sty!
403
00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:35,793
(Pig grunting)
404
00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:36,994
Really should have seen that coming.
405
00:21:36,996 --> 00:21:38,529
(Pig squealing)
406
00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:41,165
Whoa! An actual pig in a blanket!
407
00:21:43,935 --> 00:21:47,471
You said Emma loves pigs,
so I got her one of her own.
408
00:21:47,473 --> 00:21:49,173
What do you think she'll
say when she sees him?
409
00:21:49,175 --> 00:21:50,875
(Emma screaming) (Squeals)
410
00:21:50,877 --> 00:21:53,577
That's what I was hoping for.
411
00:21:53,579 --> 00:21:56,213
Don't touch that, you
swine! That's couture!
412
00:21:58,550 --> 00:22:00,885
Hi, Emma!
413
00:22:00,887 --> 00:22:03,754
This is that beautiful girl
I was telling you about.
414
00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:09,126
This little piggy was about to
become roast pork at the luau,
415
00:22:09,128 --> 00:22:10,895
but I rescued him, for you.
416
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:12,897
For me?
417
00:22:15,801 --> 00:22:19,970
Aww! That's the sweetest thing
anyone's ever done for me!
418
00:22:19,972 --> 00:22:21,505
You saved a life!
419
00:22:21,507 --> 00:22:24,642
You're like a fireman.
Or the fashion police.
420
00:22:24,644 --> 00:22:25,910
Luke: Uh...
421
00:22:27,212 --> 00:22:30,848
Emma, it's a pig!
422
00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:34,018
It rolls around in its own
filth and it eats garbage.
423
00:22:34,219 --> 00:22:35,820
So do you.
424
00:22:36,988 --> 00:22:39,156
At least the pig's pink and cuddly!
425
00:22:39,158 --> 00:22:42,760
Throw a little glitter on this
thing, and it's my dream pet!
426
00:22:42,762 --> 00:22:44,295
Thank you, Joey!
427
00:22:45,163 --> 00:22:46,230
(Pig grunting)
428
00:22:47,165 --> 00:22:48,933
They both look so happy.
429
00:22:50,235 --> 00:22:51,302
Epic fail!
430
00:22:53,605 --> 00:22:55,239
So, what are we going to name him?
431
00:22:56,074 --> 00:22:57,742
How about Hamlet?
432
00:22:57,744 --> 00:22:59,577
I love it!
433
00:22:59,579 --> 00:23:01,579
It's classy, and it
acknowledges his pork heritage.
434
00:23:09,154 --> 00:23:10,955
Judging by the juice spatter,
435
00:23:10,957 --> 00:23:14,692
I'd say this hula girl was
pineappled between 3:00 and 4:00 A.M.
436
00:23:14,694 --> 00:23:18,996
Time to find this perp
and make him go... aloha.
437
00:23:20,665 --> 00:23:21,832
Cut!
438
00:23:21,834 --> 00:23:23,000
Jessie, that was amazing!
439
00:23:23,002 --> 00:23:24,101
Thank you.
440
00:23:24,103 --> 00:23:29,340
Yes, yes, great, but, Shaylee, I loved
the emotion you showed in that scene.
441
00:23:29,342 --> 00:23:30,841
Oh, you want emotion?
442
00:23:30,843 --> 00:23:32,343
I can make myself cry.
443
00:23:32,345 --> 00:23:33,978
Just give me 30 seconds to
think about my dating life,
444
00:23:33,980 --> 00:23:37,114
and I can turn this whole
crime scene into a splash zone.
445
00:23:37,116 --> 00:23:40,584
Charming. So, Shaylee, I
feel like agent vickers'
446
00:23:40,586 --> 00:23:42,887
partner needs a monologue here.
447
00:23:42,889 --> 00:23:43,998
(Laughs nervously)
448
00:23:44,029 --> 00:23:46,991
(Stammers) But I have a
monologue in this scene.
449
00:23:46,993 --> 00:23:48,859
Are you saying you want
to give Shaylee my lines?
450
00:23:48,861 --> 00:23:52,096
Oh, no, no! Not all of them.
451
00:23:55,834 --> 00:23:58,936
Judging by this juice spatter,
I'd say this hula girl
452
00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:01,939
was pineappled between 3:00 and 4:00 A.M.
453
00:24:01,941 --> 00:24:07,044
Time to find this perp
and make him go... aloha.
454
00:24:08,246 --> 00:24:10,047
Uh... cut!
455
00:24:10,049 --> 00:24:11,348
(Bell ringing)
456
00:24:11,350 --> 00:24:14,952
Hmm, the scene didn't quite work.
457
00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:15,820
I agree.
458
00:24:15,822 --> 00:24:19,690
Yeah. Me, too. I told you I shouldn't
have these lines, they're Jessie's.
459
00:24:19,692 --> 00:24:23,627
Don't worry, I'm going to make
Jessie the most important character
460
00:24:23,629 --> 00:24:25,729
in the entire murder mystery.
461
00:24:25,731 --> 00:24:27,298
(Chuckles) Now we're talking!
462
00:24:28,667 --> 00:24:32,636
Actually, I'm not talking... or breathing.
463
00:24:32,638 --> 00:24:34,004
Right, because you're a corpse.
464
00:24:34,006 --> 00:24:37,408
Can't you see, you're the
center of the whole mystery!
465
00:24:37,410 --> 00:24:39,710
I can't see anything,
because I'm face down.
466
00:24:40,745 --> 00:24:41,879
Look...
467
00:24:41,881 --> 00:24:43,948
This is all wrong.
468
00:24:43,950 --> 00:24:45,249
Yeah, you're a little too
high-strung to be a corpse.
469
00:24:45,251 --> 00:24:48,152
I'm going to go with the dummy.
470
00:24:48,154 --> 00:24:49,887
So, what role would you like me to play?
471
00:24:49,889 --> 00:24:51,889
The role of the fired actress.
472
00:24:52,757 --> 00:24:53,991
What?
473
00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:56,060
You're firing me, but keeping Shaylee?
474
00:24:56,062 --> 00:24:57,828
Of course, she's a star.
475
00:24:57,830 --> 00:24:59,263
What is this, your first job in TV?
476
00:25:00,031 --> 00:25:00,658
Yes!
477
00:25:00,689 --> 00:25:03,197
And it should have been
my first fruit basket, too!
478
00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:08,172
So, Jessie, what important
new role did he give you?
479
00:25:08,174 --> 00:25:09,440
The corpse.
480
00:25:09,442 --> 00:25:14,211
But the only lines the corpse has
are the chalk ones around it.
481
00:25:14,213 --> 00:25:17,948
Exactly. And when I brought that
to his attention, he fired me.
482
00:25:17,950 --> 00:25:20,818
What? That's terrible. What can I do?
483
00:25:22,153 --> 00:25:24,788
You've done enough. Okay? Don't talk to me,
484
00:25:24,790 --> 00:25:26,824
don't follow me, and I
never want to see you again.
485
00:25:34,366 --> 00:25:36,767
Jessie, are you still mad?
486
00:25:36,769 --> 00:25:38,335
What do you think? (Sighs)
487
00:25:46,111 --> 00:25:49,079
I think you're having a bit
of trouble getting comfortable.
488
00:25:49,081 --> 00:25:52,716
Yeah, well, it's kind of hard to
sleep with a knife in your back.
489
00:25:57,789 --> 00:26:00,324
Well, I guess I'll just
be sleeping on this chair.
490
00:26:00,326 --> 00:26:02,493
Unless I get up to get a glass of water,
491
00:26:02,495 --> 00:26:05,863
and you steal the bed, like
you steal everything else.
492
00:26:05,865 --> 00:26:08,499
Jessie, I didn't mean
to ruin your big break.
493
00:26:08,501 --> 00:26:10,734
I am really, really sorry.
494
00:26:10,736 --> 00:26:11,936
I thought you were my friend.
495
00:26:11,938 --> 00:26:13,871
I am your friend.
496
00:26:13,873 --> 00:26:15,693
Well, then I'd hate to see
what you do to your enemies.
497
00:26:15,724 --> 00:26:17,204
I don't have any enemies. You do now.
498
00:26:18,810 --> 00:26:21,011
Luke: Ladies, ladies, please.
499
00:26:24,382 --> 00:26:27,017
It kills me that you two are fighting.
500
00:26:27,019 --> 00:26:30,888
I want my future first and
second wives to get along.
501
00:26:30,890 --> 00:26:32,756
Both: Get lost.
502
00:26:32,758 --> 00:26:35,793
See? I've already got you
girls on the same page.
503
00:26:36,094 --> 00:26:38,963
Another group hug?
504
00:26:38,965 --> 00:26:41,532
Hey. It's my job to throw a pillow at Luke.
505
00:26:41,534 --> 00:26:43,901
Or are you gonna take that, too?
506
00:26:43,903 --> 00:26:45,970
Ha. I'm warning you.
507
00:26:45,972 --> 00:26:48,405
I was the star of pillow fight club.
508
00:26:48,407 --> 00:26:50,908
Yeah, I saw that on the clearance rack.
509
00:26:51,343 --> 00:26:53,277
Oh, it is on. Oh!
510
00:26:53,279 --> 00:26:54,812
(Grunting)
511
00:26:56,481 --> 00:27:00,451
Maybe Jessie's dream didn't
come true, but mine sure did.
512
00:27:15,033 --> 00:27:19,036
Maybe putting Bertram in a loin
cloth was not our best idea.
513
00:27:19,038 --> 00:27:22,006
Yeah, he makes a terrible menehune.
514
00:27:22,008 --> 00:27:24,808
He's more like a maxihune. (Both laughing)
515
00:27:25,877 --> 00:27:27,111
Get us some customers.
516
00:27:27,113 --> 00:27:28,979
Okay, okay.
517
00:27:28,981 --> 00:27:31,081
Ooh, watch me juggle these.
518
00:27:35,887 --> 00:27:36,527
Don't bend over!
519
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:44,928
Bertram, you're supposed to pull
customers in, not scare them away.
520
00:27:44,930 --> 00:27:47,031
And yet you put me in a diaper.
521
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,035
I have a better plan.
522
00:27:53,505 --> 00:27:55,139
(In dakotan accent) Oh, land o' goshen,
523
00:27:55,141 --> 00:27:58,442
those are some beautiful
rocks now, don't you know.
524
00:28:00,245 --> 00:28:02,513
Thank you, total stranger.
525
00:28:02,515 --> 00:28:05,015
Would you like to buy some?
526
00:28:05,017 --> 00:28:06,517
You betcha.
527
00:28:06,519 --> 00:28:11,255
Everyone is gabbin' about how much
luck these rocks'll bring ya.
528
00:28:11,257 --> 00:28:15,092
And they're right. The more
you buy, the luckier you'll be.
529
00:28:16,628 --> 00:28:17,702
Oh...
530
00:28:17,733 --> 00:28:21,999
And I see you got 'em
dressed up like boy bands.
531
00:28:22,001 --> 00:28:24,234
That is so darned precious. (Chuckles)
532
00:28:26,037 --> 00:28:29,339
I think I'll take the entire
set of one di-rock-tion.
533
00:28:32,010 --> 00:28:35,079
Here. Here's your cash. (Laughs)
534
00:28:35,081 --> 00:28:36,380
Good work, Fargo.
535
00:28:38,983 --> 00:28:40,984
Aloha, kids.
536
00:28:40,986 --> 00:28:43,253
I see you got yourself
a little business here.
537
00:28:43,255 --> 00:28:46,990
Yes, ma'am. Would you like
to buy a lucky lava rock?
538
00:28:46,992 --> 00:28:48,892
Absolutely not.
539
00:28:48,894 --> 00:28:50,928
Those rocks are part of this island,
540
00:28:50,930 --> 00:28:54,064
and this island is a
living, breathing thing.
541
00:28:54,066 --> 00:28:55,399
Just like your friend here.
542
00:28:55,401 --> 00:28:58,435
You wouldn't sell pieces of him, would you?
543
00:28:59,270 --> 00:29:00,971
Depends on the offer.
544
00:29:01,973 --> 00:29:03,407
That's cold.
545
00:29:03,409 --> 00:29:06,009
My point is, no one in
Hawaii sells these rocks.
546
00:29:08,974 --> 00:29:10,614
Oh, man, did you hear what she just said?
547
00:29:10,616 --> 00:29:12,149
I sure did.
548
00:29:12,151 --> 00:29:14,918
We're the only game in town. Yes.
549
00:29:16,254 --> 00:29:21,024
Get your exclusive lucky lava rocks.
550
00:29:21,026 --> 00:29:22,693
We're going to sell the whole dang island.
551
00:29:22,695 --> 00:29:26,163
(Rumbling)
552
00:29:28,066 --> 00:29:30,667
Bertram, you've got to
lay off the coconut milk.
553
00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:38,041
Jessie, do you want me
to help you get dressed?
554
00:29:38,043 --> 00:29:40,477
Or at least scrape the
dried food off your robe?
555
00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:44,681
It's not all food. That's puss.
556
00:29:44,683 --> 00:29:48,685
Always stay at least
two feet away from Joey.
557
00:29:48,687 --> 00:29:51,989
Aloha crime is a stupid show anyway.
558
00:29:51,991 --> 00:29:55,659
This job was supposed to be my big break,
and now I'll never get another one.
559
00:29:55,661 --> 00:29:58,095
Sure you will. You always bounce back.
560
00:29:58,097 --> 00:30:01,198
Just like you did after you were
expelled from that improv troupe.
561
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,133
And fired from that understudy role.
562
00:30:03,135 --> 00:30:06,069
Or when you almost burned down
the set of that infomercial.
563
00:30:08,239 --> 00:30:11,175
Are you guys done cheering me up?
564
00:30:11,177 --> 00:30:13,410
I just want to know why
nothing ever works out for me.
565
00:30:13,412 --> 00:30:15,852
(Hamlet grunting) And why there's
a pig here in a sailor suit.
566
00:30:17,382 --> 00:30:23,620
Jessie, I met this amazing, sweet guy...
He's not in the Navy, is he?
567
00:30:23,622 --> 00:30:26,290
No. I'm talking about Joey.
568
00:30:26,292 --> 00:30:28,325
He's romantic and quirky.
569
00:30:28,993 --> 00:30:31,595
Oh, Jessie, someday I
hope you'll find a guy
570
00:30:31,597 --> 00:30:33,697
who cares enough to steal you a pig.
571
00:30:34,732 --> 00:30:37,034
A girl can dream.
572
00:30:37,036 --> 00:30:39,603
Look, guys, I really
appreciate this pep talk,
573
00:30:39,605 --> 00:30:42,706
although it was oddly lacking in pep.
574
00:30:42,708 --> 00:30:45,375
But ever since I moved to New York,
I've been pounding the pavement
575
00:30:45,377 --> 00:30:48,545
trying to become an actress, and...
It just hasn't happened.
576
00:30:48,547 --> 00:30:49,746
You need to give it time.
577
00:30:49,748 --> 00:30:51,348
I've given it three years.
578
00:30:51,350 --> 00:30:52,783
It's obviously never going to happen.
579
00:30:52,785 --> 00:30:53,583
Don't say that.
580
00:30:53,614 --> 00:30:56,750
What, the truth? That I'm kidding myself?
581
00:30:57,789 --> 00:31:00,691
That's it, I quit acting.
582
00:31:00,693 --> 00:31:02,459
Okay, I give up.
583
00:31:05,496 --> 00:31:08,565
Okay, honest opinion.
584
00:31:08,567 --> 00:31:10,434
Who wears this better?
585
00:31:12,403 --> 00:31:15,038
Sweetie, we're in the middle of a crisis.
586
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,441
Now, is not the time for silly costumes.
587
00:31:17,443 --> 00:31:19,676
Well, then someone
should tell admiral oink.
588
00:31:19,678 --> 00:31:21,078
(Hamlet grunting)
589
00:31:24,249 --> 00:31:27,150
We made a fortune off my boy band rocks.
590
00:31:27,152 --> 00:31:30,587
We made even more off my
legends of country collection.
591
00:31:30,589 --> 00:31:35,292
We sold out, but I couldn't bear
to part with quarry Underwood.
592
00:31:37,061 --> 00:31:39,796
You guys, I'm really worried about Jessie.
593
00:31:39,798 --> 00:31:42,366
She's so depressed, she won't
even leave the villa to eat.
594
00:31:42,368 --> 00:31:45,535
She's surviving off the
stains on her bathrobe.
595
00:31:45,537 --> 00:31:47,137
(Rumbling)
596
00:31:47,139 --> 00:31:48,772
Did you all hear that?
597
00:31:48,774 --> 00:31:51,308
It wasn't me.
598
00:31:51,310 --> 00:31:53,543
Correct. It is something even bigger
599
00:31:53,545 --> 00:31:56,513
and more explosive than
Bertram's intestines.
600
00:31:56,515 --> 00:31:57,848
The sun?
601
00:31:58,850 --> 00:32:01,151
No, the volcano.
602
00:32:01,153 --> 00:32:06,089
According to my lava locator app, this
supposedly dormant volcanic formation
603
00:32:06,091 --> 00:32:10,560
has been experiencing a freakish
escalation in seismic activity.
604
00:32:10,562 --> 00:32:12,162
What is he talking about?
605
00:32:12,664 --> 00:32:14,197
(Sighs)
606
00:32:14,199 --> 00:32:17,434
Sleepy Mountain go boom.
607
00:32:18,736 --> 00:32:20,470
(All gasping)
608
00:32:20,472 --> 00:32:24,141
Finally. A delayed reaction,
but an appropriate one.
609
00:32:24,143 --> 00:32:28,211
Because it is highly likely
we are all going to perish.
610
00:32:28,213 --> 00:32:30,814
If it's dormant, why would
it suddenly start erupting?
611
00:32:30,816 --> 00:32:34,751
There is no logical,
scientific explanation.
612
00:32:34,753 --> 00:32:39,589
But keahi told me that if you offend the
island, the volcano will get angry.
613
00:32:39,591 --> 00:32:41,491
How can you offend an island?
614
00:32:41,493 --> 00:32:44,661
Say, "that beach makes you look fat"?
615
00:32:44,663 --> 00:32:47,831
No, by exploiting its natural resources.
616
00:32:47,833 --> 00:32:50,734
For example, by selling lava rocks.
617
00:32:50,736 --> 00:32:51,868
(Gasps)
618
00:32:51,870 --> 00:32:53,870
What?
619
00:32:53,872 --> 00:32:57,674
Selling a bunch of old rocks isn't
going to make a volcano erupt.
620
00:32:57,676 --> 00:32:59,509
Maybe not by itself.
621
00:32:59,511 --> 00:33:03,714
But if someone also picked the
forbidden pua aloalo blossom...
622
00:33:03,716 --> 00:33:04,948
What does that look like?
623
00:33:08,419 --> 00:33:10,287
Like the thing behind your ear.
624
00:33:10,289 --> 00:33:11,455
Uh-oh.
625
00:33:11,457 --> 00:33:16,693
But what enrages the island most
is if you steal the local fauna.
626
00:33:16,695 --> 00:33:20,530
Emma, hammy misses you. Aww.
627
00:33:20,532 --> 00:33:23,667
Whew. Good thing hammy
is a pig and not a fawn.
628
00:33:25,470 --> 00:33:30,874
No, fauna is latin for
animal, which includes pigs.
629
00:33:30,876 --> 00:33:32,476
They're too dumb to live.
630
00:33:32,478 --> 00:33:34,911
Let's grab some pool
noodles and swim outta here.
631
00:33:34,913 --> 00:33:37,447
(Volcano rumbling)
632
00:33:37,449 --> 00:33:40,183
Smart kid, tell us what to do.
633
00:33:41,586 --> 00:33:43,286
First, learn my name.
634
00:33:43,288 --> 00:33:45,655
We have been hanging out for four days now.
635
00:33:45,657 --> 00:33:50,193
Sorry... ralphie? Randy? Ricky? Doug?
636
00:33:51,629 --> 00:33:55,699
And second, legend says that we
must take all the purloined items
637
00:33:55,701 --> 00:34:00,404
to the precipice of the crater to make
restitution for our ecological transgressions.
638
00:34:00,406 --> 00:34:04,041
Doug. Please, speak English.
This is an emergency.
639
00:34:05,743 --> 00:34:09,780
He's saying we need to go up to the
exploding volcano and apologize to it.
640
00:34:09,782 --> 00:34:11,848
Thank you, Bertram. You're welcome, Doug.
641
00:34:11,850 --> 00:34:13,617
Now, let's go.
642
00:34:14,585 --> 00:34:15,952
(Farts)
643
00:34:15,954 --> 00:34:17,587
The volcano.
644
00:34:17,589 --> 00:34:19,489
Actually, that one was me.
645
00:34:19,491 --> 00:34:23,627
I've need to drop some lava rocks off
at the crater, if you know what I mean.
646
00:34:29,934 --> 00:34:31,001
Oh, hey, Luke.
647
00:34:32,937 --> 00:34:34,805
How'd you know I was back here?
648
00:34:34,807 --> 00:34:36,840
Christmas trees don't
usually wear sneakers.
649
00:34:38,543 --> 00:34:39,776
What you doing?
650
00:34:39,778 --> 00:34:41,745
Hiding in shame.
651
00:34:41,747 --> 00:34:45,582
My last prank actually
made the victims happy.
652
00:34:47,351 --> 00:34:49,853
I don't even know who I am anymore.
653
00:34:51,722 --> 00:34:53,757
Oh, you think you feel bad?
654
00:34:53,759 --> 00:34:56,693
I'm here while Shaylee is off
playing my part on a big TV show.
655
00:34:56,695 --> 00:34:57,828
You know what? Move over.
656
00:34:59,764 --> 00:35:01,531
(Sobbing)
657
00:35:03,034 --> 00:35:06,736
I just can't live with the humiliation.
658
00:35:06,738 --> 00:35:10,373
Get used to it. When all
is said and done, Luke,
659
00:35:10,375 --> 00:35:13,944
life is just one big, long,
dark tunnel of failure.
660
00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:16,913
Yikes.
661
00:35:18,816 --> 00:35:21,485
Ugh, I'm exhausted.
662
00:35:21,487 --> 00:35:23,520
I can't walk another step.
663
00:35:23,522 --> 00:35:25,989
We've only been walking for three minutes.
664
00:35:27,391 --> 00:35:29,059
Well, it feels like four.
665
00:35:29,061 --> 00:35:31,728
(Volcano rumbling) (Hamlet squealing)
666
00:35:31,730 --> 00:35:33,330
Poor hammy.
667
00:35:33,332 --> 00:35:35,365
(Squeals)
668
00:35:35,367 --> 00:35:36,800
Are your hoofies hurting?
669
00:35:36,802 --> 00:35:39,936
Emma, you really should not baby him.
670
00:35:39,938 --> 00:35:43,773
Don't you want him to grow up to
be a strong and confident hog?
671
00:35:43,775 --> 00:35:45,842
Of course, but right now he's a piglet,
672
00:35:45,844 --> 00:35:48,445
and he really needs his
daddy's love and support.
673
00:35:48,447 --> 00:35:50,747
It's a pig. The only thing he needs
674
00:35:50,749 --> 00:35:53,049
is an apple in his mouth
and a nice honey glaze.
675
00:35:53,051 --> 00:35:55,652
(Squealing)
676
00:35:55,654 --> 00:35:57,521
You are a terrible aunt.
677
00:35:58,523 --> 00:36:00,991
Enough with the porcine parenting.
678
00:36:00,993 --> 00:36:03,059
We must get to the volcano.
679
00:36:03,061 --> 00:36:05,562
But it's so far.
680
00:36:10,601 --> 00:36:14,504
Okay, the crater of the
volcano is right below us.
681
00:36:14,506 --> 00:36:17,841
It reeks. It's like we're
trapped inside a hot fart.
682
00:36:19,744 --> 00:36:21,978
Been there. The zipper on my sleeping bag
683
00:36:21,980 --> 00:36:25,348
jammed during my scout
troupe's chili cook-off.
684
00:36:25,350 --> 00:36:27,017
I had to burn those pajamas.
685
00:36:29,554 --> 00:36:31,588
You picked a real winner.
686
00:36:34,559 --> 00:36:40,530
Honey, sometimes a little mystery
in a relationship is a good thing.
687
00:36:40,532 --> 00:36:44,601
Just make your offerings, so we can
appease the volcano and get out of here.
688
00:36:44,603 --> 00:36:45,802
Throw in the rocks.
689
00:36:45,804 --> 00:36:48,104
I'll miss you, Joey fistone.
690
00:36:49,941 --> 00:36:51,441
Oh, I can't.
691
00:36:51,443 --> 00:36:53,443
Just toss it in. What?
692
00:36:54,946 --> 00:36:56,913
See ya, quarry Underwood.
693
00:36:58,916 --> 00:37:01,585
It's your heart that's made of stone.
694
00:37:01,587 --> 00:37:05,088
They're rocks. Unlike you, I
have friends who are people.
695
00:37:06,958 --> 00:37:09,859
And now the flower.
696
00:37:09,861 --> 00:37:13,463
Poor flower. Everything beautiful must die.
697
00:37:14,165 --> 00:37:15,999
Except me, hopefully.
698
00:37:17,702 --> 00:37:20,437
Oh, why won't it stop rumbling?
699
00:37:20,439 --> 00:37:22,405
(Squeals) It's upsetting hammy.
700
00:37:22,407 --> 00:37:24,574
We need to take him home.
701
00:37:24,576 --> 00:37:27,444
Well, uh, this is awkward.
702
00:37:30,715 --> 00:37:33,850
The last thing that must be
thrown into the volcano is...
703
00:37:34,485 --> 00:37:35,785
The pig.
704
00:37:35,787 --> 00:37:37,988
(Gasping) (Hamlet squeals)
705
00:37:37,990 --> 00:37:41,057
You expect us to hurl our
baby into burning hot lava?
706
00:37:41,059 --> 00:37:44,861
I suppose you could lower him down
slowly, but that just seems cruel.
707
00:37:46,664 --> 00:37:49,099
There is no way we are
sending our beloved Hamlet
708
00:37:49,101 --> 00:37:51,735
to a fiery, yet delicious-smelling death.
709
00:37:52,970 --> 00:37:55,872
I am sorry, but there is no other way.
710
00:37:55,874 --> 00:37:58,608
Maybe the island will
accept a heartfelt apology.
711
00:38:00,778 --> 00:38:03,780
We're supes sorry! Forgivesies?
712
00:38:05,783 --> 00:38:07,684
(Rumbling stops)
713
00:38:07,686 --> 00:38:09,853
See, it worked.
714
00:38:09,855 --> 00:38:11,054
(Rumbling loudly)
715
00:38:11,922 --> 00:38:12,989
(All screaming)
716
00:38:14,925 --> 00:38:16,893
Ravi: Dear gods, it's erupting!
717
00:38:16,895 --> 00:38:18,228
(Screaming)
718
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:24,601
Where could they be?
719
00:38:24,603 --> 00:38:26,236
Jessie, I'm sure they're fine.
720
00:38:26,238 --> 00:38:28,905
They're probably just
playing a prank on you.
721
00:38:28,907 --> 00:38:33,143
And they left me out because I've
lost my pranking mojo. Okay.
722
00:38:34,879 --> 00:38:38,081
I think they went on a hike
to apologize to the island.
723
00:38:38,083 --> 00:38:39,983
Is that some weird day trip you guys offer?
724
00:38:41,852 --> 00:38:45,188
And where would one go
to apologize to an island?
725
00:38:45,190 --> 00:38:46,923
To the volcano.
726
00:38:46,925 --> 00:38:48,491
(Rumbling)
727
00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:51,928
What? Why didn't you stop them?
728
00:38:51,930 --> 00:38:54,497
In my defense, I didn't know
if they were coming or going.
729
00:38:54,499 --> 00:38:56,499
Aloha means hello and goodbye.
730
00:38:57,968 --> 00:39:01,137
Jessie, there you are. Please, can we talk?
731
00:39:01,139 --> 00:39:03,907
I can't. I need to get to the
mouth of that erupting volcano.
732
00:39:03,909 --> 00:39:07,010
No, no! It's not worth
it. It was just a TV role.
733
00:39:08,179 --> 00:39:09,846
I mean I have to save my kids,
734
00:39:09,848 --> 00:39:12,082
who for some incredibly
stupid reason went up there.
735
00:39:12,084 --> 00:39:15,018
The only way you'll get up
there in time is by helicopter.
736
00:39:15,020 --> 00:39:16,820
Where am I going to find one of those?
737
00:39:16,822 --> 00:39:19,022
Hey, there was one in the
scene that I just shot.
738
00:39:19,024 --> 00:39:20,857
Great, let's go.
739
00:39:20,859 --> 00:39:23,693
Wait. They added a
helicopter scene for you?
740
00:39:25,896 --> 00:39:28,131
Just a little one. Sorry.
741
00:39:28,133 --> 00:39:30,967
If it makes you feel any better, my
character got pushed out and died.
742
00:39:30,969 --> 00:39:33,103
So they needed another
corpse and no one called me?
743
00:39:34,872 --> 00:39:36,573
This is why I quit the business.
744
00:39:40,544 --> 00:39:42,178
We must make a break for it.
745
00:39:42,180 --> 00:39:43,913
Oh, now we have to run?
746
00:39:43,915 --> 00:39:45,995
This is officially the worst
Christmas vacation ever.
747
00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:51,955
(Yells) The lava is coming up the stairs.
748
00:39:53,190 --> 00:39:55,892
Now the lava can climb stairs?
749
00:39:55,894 --> 00:39:57,994
It's evolving. Game over, man.
750
00:39:59,330 --> 00:40:01,831
I can't believe I'm going
to die with the frizzies.
751
00:40:01,833 --> 00:40:05,635
I can't believe I'm going to die
with unopened Christmas presents.
752
00:40:05,637 --> 00:40:08,238
I can't believe I'm going to
die surrounded by children.
753
00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:12,942
Give me that squealing
sausage and rib sampler. No!
754
00:40:12,944 --> 00:40:15,278
You are not throwing our
baby into the volcano.
755
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,113
Who said anything about throwing him in?
756
00:40:17,115 --> 00:40:19,349
I'm not going to the
afterlife on an empty stomach.
757
00:40:19,351 --> 00:40:20,884
Now give me that pig! No!
758
00:40:20,886 --> 00:40:22,318
Give him to me!
759
00:40:23,687 --> 00:40:24,921
Where are they?
760
00:40:24,923 --> 00:40:26,990
Do you see anything? (Vomiting)
761
00:40:27,825 --> 00:40:31,661
Just my lunch, and what appears
to be very old chewing gum.
762
00:40:33,364 --> 00:40:36,933
Even though you just barfed,
I'd, uh, still kiss you.
763
00:40:38,869 --> 00:40:41,004
Yeah, you might want to reconsider.
764
00:40:41,006 --> 00:40:42,672
(Breathes heavily)
765
00:40:46,243 --> 00:40:48,244
Works every time!
766
00:40:48,246 --> 00:40:49,979
You've done that before?
767
00:40:51,782 --> 00:40:53,016
Oh, look, I see them.
768
00:40:53,018 --> 00:40:55,084
Okay. Hang on, we're going down.
769
00:40:55,086 --> 00:40:56,986
Oh, and my breakfast is coming up.
770
00:40:56,988 --> 00:40:58,922
(Shaylee vomiting)
771
00:40:58,924 --> 00:41:01,090
Ow! Get off me!
772
00:41:01,092 --> 00:41:02,859
How dare you try to eat Hamlet?
773
00:41:02,861 --> 00:41:04,294
Where is your Christmas spirit?
774
00:41:04,296 --> 00:41:07,931
Oh, right, like ham on
Christmas is such a crazy idea.
775
00:41:08,899 --> 00:41:11,067
(Loud rumbling)
776
00:41:11,069 --> 00:41:13,069
We are doomed! Emma...
777
00:41:14,512 --> 00:41:16,272
I just can't believe
we're never going to get
778
00:41:16,274 --> 00:41:18,074
to see our little porker grow up.
779
00:41:18,076 --> 00:41:19,776
I know.
780
00:41:19,778 --> 00:41:22,111
I was so looking forward to
spoiling the grandpiglets.
781
00:41:22,113 --> 00:41:24,013
(Hamlet grunts)
782
00:41:24,015 --> 00:41:26,082
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
783
00:41:27,351 --> 00:41:30,253
I will treasure the time we've had
together for as long as I live.
784
00:41:30,255 --> 00:41:33,823
Which, according to my calculations,
will be approximately two minutes.
785
00:41:33,825 --> 00:41:34,891
(Hamlet squeals)
786
00:41:36,060 --> 00:41:37,694
Joey...
787
00:41:37,696 --> 00:41:39,362
I'd rather have two minutes with you
788
00:41:39,364 --> 00:41:41,865
than a lifetime with anyone else.
789
00:41:41,867 --> 00:41:43,733
Even Chris hemsworth?
790
00:41:43,735 --> 00:41:45,068
Is he here?
791
00:41:46,971 --> 00:41:49,138
Forget him. And two minutes...
792
00:41:49,140 --> 00:41:52,075
Actually, one minute and 21 seconds.
793
00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:58,882
It's still enough time for a goodbye kiss.
794
00:41:58,884 --> 00:42:01,751
Oh, goodie. I mean, cool babe.
795
00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:05,421
Take him now, he's peaked.
796
00:42:07,091 --> 00:42:09,759
Look! Look! A rescue helicopter.
797
00:42:09,761 --> 00:42:10,860
It's Jessie.
798
00:42:10,862 --> 00:42:12,295
Huzzah, we are saved!
799
00:42:12,297 --> 00:42:13,997
Ha-ha. But not yet.
800
00:42:13,999 --> 00:42:16,266
We still have time for a kiss.
801
00:42:17,968 --> 00:42:20,904
Can't you just, like,
circle around a few times?
802
00:42:22,406 --> 00:42:24,941
Hey, hey, get away.
803
00:42:24,943 --> 00:42:28,011
You know the saying,
women and children last.
804
00:42:28,013 --> 00:42:32,382
Well, at least if he goes first,
we will know the ladder is sturdy.
805
00:42:32,384 --> 00:42:35,818
I'm just glad he's not
wearing his menehune outfit.
806
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:43,393
You know, when I thought we weren't
going to make it off that volcano,
807
00:42:43,395 --> 00:42:46,095
my whole life passed before my eyes.
808
00:42:47,031 --> 00:42:48,398
I sleep a lot.
809
00:42:50,768 --> 00:42:52,802
Doesn't hammy look like a little angel?
810
00:42:52,804 --> 00:42:55,038
(Hamlet grunts) Beyond.
811
00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:57,106
So, uh, Emma...
812
00:42:57,108 --> 00:42:59,876
Remember when we were up on the volcano,
813
00:42:59,878 --> 00:43:04,480
things were getting kind of crazy,
and we almost kissed? (Laughs)
814
00:43:04,482 --> 00:43:05,782
We almost kissed.
815
00:43:05,784 --> 00:43:07,951
Oh. That. (Hamlet grunts)
816
00:43:07,953 --> 00:43:13,056
So, don't you think we should, like, I
don't know, pick up where we left off?
817
00:43:14,992 --> 00:43:16,159
Okay.
818
00:43:23,033 --> 00:43:24,233
Why didn't you lean in?
819
00:43:24,235 --> 00:43:25,535
Why didn't you lean in?
820
00:43:25,537 --> 00:43:27,136
(Scoffs) Because I'm the girl.
821
00:43:27,138 --> 00:43:28,972
Well, I'm the nerd.
822
00:43:28,974 --> 00:43:30,873
Wow.
823
00:43:30,875 --> 00:43:33,776
Look, Joey, if you're
going to move to New York,
824
00:43:33,778 --> 00:43:35,144
you've got to be a little more assertive.
825
00:43:35,146 --> 00:43:36,512
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
826
00:43:36,514 --> 00:43:38,214
Who said anything about
me moving to New York?
827
00:43:38,216 --> 00:43:40,984
Well, how else are we
going to co-parent Hamlet?
828
00:43:40,986 --> 00:43:42,251
Why can't you just move to Wisconsin?
829
00:43:42,253 --> 00:43:44,120
So many reasons.
830
00:43:44,122 --> 00:43:45,989
One, it's shaped like a mitten.
831
00:43:45,991 --> 00:43:47,890
And two... actually, that's enough.
832
00:43:47,892 --> 00:43:50,159
I don't even need to go to two.
833
00:43:51,028 --> 00:43:53,896
How dare you?
834
00:43:53,898 --> 00:43:55,965
Hamlet is coming with me to New York.
835
00:43:55,967 --> 00:43:57,300
A pig belongs in a penthouse.
836
00:43:57,302 --> 00:43:58,501
Joey: Why should you get him?
837
00:43:58,503 --> 00:43:59,936
I'm the one that stole him.
838
00:43:59,938 --> 00:44:01,838
Exactly.
839
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:04,607
I can't let him be raised
by a common swine snatcher.
840
00:44:04,609 --> 00:44:06,509
Well, then you'll be
speaking with my lawyers.
841
00:44:06,511 --> 00:44:08,578
Because he belongs to me.
842
00:44:08,580 --> 00:44:10,947
No, he belongs to me.
843
00:44:10,949 --> 00:44:13,583
Actually, he belongs to aloha catering.
844
00:44:13,585 --> 00:44:14,532
(Hamlet squeals)
845
00:44:14,563 --> 00:44:17,984
But they're letting us keep
him as our resort mascot.
846
00:44:20,391 --> 00:44:23,326
Hammy! Don't forget to text.
847
00:44:24,561 --> 00:44:26,162
He didn't even look back.
848
00:44:26,164 --> 00:44:28,464
In his defense, he has no neck.
849
00:44:30,134 --> 00:44:33,536
I know what will cheer you guys up. Nuts?
850
00:44:33,538 --> 00:44:34,459
Oh, thanks.
851
00:44:34,490 --> 00:44:38,141
Joey, don't. It's probably
just one of his lame pranks.
852
00:44:38,143 --> 00:44:40,109
Don't worry, Emma. I got this.
853
00:44:41,011 --> 00:44:43,312
Huh...
854
00:44:43,314 --> 00:44:45,948
Your stupid fake snake didn't even pop out.
855
00:44:45,950 --> 00:44:48,584
(Laughs) And that's because
the snake's not fake.
856
00:44:48,586 --> 00:44:50,019
(Hissing)
857
00:44:50,021 --> 00:44:52,955
(Screaming)
858
00:44:52,957 --> 00:44:54,290
I'm back!
859
00:44:56,060 --> 00:44:57,293
(Laughing)
860
00:44:57,295 --> 00:44:59,328
Nice twist on an old classic.
861
00:44:59,330 --> 00:45:02,131
And we made 20 bucks
selling him that snake.
862
00:45:02,133 --> 00:45:05,968
And we'll make a lot more
selling the antivenom.
863
00:45:07,604 --> 00:45:10,373
Well, flying into the fiery jaws of death
864
00:45:10,375 --> 00:45:13,109
sure does make our issues
seem petty, doesn't it?
865
00:45:13,111 --> 00:45:15,144
Not really.
866
00:45:15,146 --> 00:45:17,613
But thank you for helping
me get the helicopter.
867
00:45:18,982 --> 00:45:20,316
Okay.
868
00:45:20,318 --> 00:45:23,386
Look, Jessie, I will
say this one last time.
869
00:45:23,388 --> 00:45:25,488
I am truly sorry
870
00:45:26,590 --> 00:45:28,157
for taking your part.
871
00:45:28,159 --> 00:45:29,892
Okay? I'll clear my stuff out of the villa,
872
00:45:29,894 --> 00:45:31,414
and you'll never have to see me again.
873
00:45:32,329 --> 00:45:34,964
Shaylee, wait.
874
00:45:34,966 --> 00:45:37,266
(Sighs) I know you didn't mean to hurt me.
875
00:45:37,268 --> 00:45:39,502
Okay? I'm not even mad at you anymore.
876
00:45:39,504 --> 00:45:44,907
I'm mad at myself, for wasting so
much time on this stupid dream.
877
00:45:44,909 --> 00:45:46,375
I guess I just don't have what it takes.
878
00:45:46,377 --> 00:45:48,177
No. That's not true.
879
00:45:48,179 --> 00:45:51,247
I know talent when I see
it, and you have got it.
880
00:45:51,249 --> 00:45:53,249
What? You really think so?
881
00:45:53,251 --> 00:45:55,084
Absolutely.
882
00:45:55,086 --> 00:45:57,553
The hardest part about
acting isn't the acting part.
883
00:45:57,555 --> 00:45:59,589
It's dealing with the rejection,
884
00:45:59,591 --> 00:46:03,025
and never giving up.
That is what takes guts.
885
00:46:03,027 --> 00:46:05,027
Well, I guess I don't
have that kind of guts.
886
00:46:05,029 --> 00:46:06,262
Are you kidding me?
887
00:46:06,264 --> 00:46:08,698
You dove straight into an erupting volcano.
888
00:46:08,700 --> 00:46:10,433
What takes more guts than that?
889
00:46:10,435 --> 00:46:13,636
Diving into Luke's laundry hamper.
890
00:46:13,638 --> 00:46:16,339
Jessie, please do not
give up on your dream.
891
00:46:16,341 --> 00:46:18,207
But I've been... promise me.
892
00:46:20,244 --> 00:46:22,145
Okay, I promise.
893
00:46:22,713 --> 00:46:24,680
Thank you, Shaylee.
894
00:46:24,682 --> 00:46:26,015
Aww.
895
00:46:32,022 --> 00:46:33,389
Luke.
896
00:46:33,391 --> 00:46:35,158
Will you ever give up?
897
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:37,093
Sure. When pigs fly.
898
00:46:39,062 --> 00:46:40,129
(Grunting)
899
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:43,633
Unless that pig takes
off, it doesn't count.
900
00:46:47,738 --> 00:46:53,209
And that is the story of this
beautiful island paradise.
901
00:46:53,211 --> 00:46:57,547
Hawaii, a magical place where
one does not own the land,
902
00:46:57,549 --> 00:47:00,683
but lives in harmony with it.
903
00:47:00,685 --> 00:47:04,287
Let's hear it for our
fabulous narrator, Doug.
904
00:47:04,289 --> 00:47:05,988
(Audience applauding)
905
00:47:08,759 --> 00:47:11,327
Merry Christmas Eve, everyone.
906
00:47:11,329 --> 00:47:13,296
Let's start the show.
907
00:47:13,298 --> 00:47:15,398
(Rhythmic music playing)
908
00:47:31,081 --> 00:47:32,615
(Belches) (Music stops)
909
00:47:36,086 --> 00:47:39,055
A fire-breathing dragon. That's awesome.
910
00:47:39,057 --> 00:47:41,791
I saw enough fire when we
flew over that stupid volcano.
911
00:47:41,793 --> 00:47:43,326
(Volcano rumbling)
912
00:47:43,328 --> 00:47:45,628
I meant smart, nice, pretty volcano.
913
00:47:48,031 --> 00:47:52,468
Gentlemen, join us for a
traditional Hawaiian dance,
914
00:47:52,470 --> 00:47:55,738
after stopping at the
traditional Hawaiian tip jar.
915
00:47:56,340 --> 00:47:58,274
(Music resumes)
916
00:48:18,128 --> 00:48:19,495
(Cheering)
917
00:48:21,064 --> 00:48:23,099
Come on, girls, let's
show them how it's done.
918
00:48:44,721 --> 00:48:46,088
(Cheering)
919
00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:51,861
(Playing slow tune)
920
00:49:04,775 --> 00:49:07,543
Look, everyone, it's snowing in Hawaii.
921
00:49:08,445 --> 00:49:10,479
It's a Christmas miracle.
922
00:49:10,481 --> 00:49:13,382
Uh... I do not think this is snow.
923
00:49:13,384 --> 00:49:15,318
It's ash from the volcano.
924
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:16,852
Are you sure?
925
00:49:18,622 --> 00:49:20,623
(Coughing)
926
00:49:20,625 --> 00:49:22,291
Yup. That's ash.
927
00:49:27,197 --> 00:49:29,398
Jessie, shouldn't you be stopping them?
928
00:49:29,400 --> 00:49:31,120
Eh, it's cleaner than the snow in New York.
929
00:49:31,170 --> 00:49:35,720
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